This chapter has been written from the perspective of one mother's personal experience.

"After having a bad birth experience it can seem like an impossible thought to even consider…having another baby and risking going through it all again. The mere suggestion brings you out in a cold sweat of panic and fear. However, deep down, you really would like to add to your family…. if only things had been different last time.

Having another baby in the hope that the experience will be much better and therefore overshadow your bad memories of last time is NOT advisable. There is the risk of exposing yourself to situations or an environment, which may trigger flashbacks bringing back all the terror of last time. First and foremost you need to deal with the trauma you have already suffered by getting the appropriate help.

Having dealt with the past to such an extent that you feel ready and able to look to the future, there are many things that you can do to ensure your next experience will be far more positive. It is very important to also consider your partner's feelings in your decision making. If he was present during your trauma he is quite possibly traumatised too and will need support and understanding to feel ready to "risk it all" again. Talking openly and sharing each other's fears and concerns goes a long way towards being able to face them.

Decide early on, even before becoming pregnant, where you would like to have your baby and who you would like to deliver it. Discuss your requirements with the relevant people to find out if you should look elsewhere to get the service and support that you want.

Begin by writing a comprehensive Birth Plan. Be firm about anything that you DO or DO NOT want. For example, there may be some procedures that, if you were put through them again, would be too much for you to cope with. Use Maternal Mental Health to help you compile your Birth Plan. They can help by speaking for you to ensure that your needs are met. Consider also what your needs will be post-natally. If you are at a hospital will you need a room to yourself? Will you need your partner to stay with you? How would you cope with multiple staff changes? What will you do if you are experiencing difficulties? Who do you want to help you? The post-natal period is a time when you may be swamped by your emotions. Do what you can to ensure you will have a supportive environment.

Research and compile an up-to-date phone list of help that is available to you should you need it, such as home help, child -care, etc. Then, if you need to arrange some child-care because you are feeling snowed under, it is not too difficult a task.

Decide who you want to be your support person(s). Having a second person present, other than your partner, who has had children herself is beneficial to you and to your partner. She will have some idea of what you are feeling both physically and mentally from first-hand experience and so be able to offer practical help whether it is encouraging words or a wet flannel to wipe your brow. In the event of your being unable to communicate, your partner will have someone to help him to make decisions which would best suit you. By discussing your requirements thoroughly with your support people you will be helping them to be the best support that they can be.

Be aware that you may suffer feelings of depression during your pregnancy. This is quite normal. The more that you can do to alleviate your fears and to feel strong and positive, the better you will be able to cope with what lies ahead of you. Don't be afraid to ask as many questions as you have a need for answers.

Having a good birth experience is very healing in itself in that it can help to give a feeling of closure to a previous bad experience (if you have already dealt with the trauma in some way.) The whole experience of becoming parents again can be so vastly different to last time if you were struggling through depression, nightmares, anxiety and panic attacks, numbed emotions, etc, etc…. Instead, you can look forward to feelings such as happiness and pleasure and simply….of being able to cope!!"

SUMMARY
Deal with the previous trauma (counselling, therapy.)
Discuss your requirements with the relevant people to decide where you want to have your baby and who you want to deliver it.
Write a comprehensive Birth Plan. Consider also what your needs will be postnatally.
Research and compile a comprehensive phone list of help that is available to you in your area. (Fill in and add to the list on page 29 of this handbook.)
Decide on who you want to be your support person(s) and discuss your needs in detail with them. Involve them throughout your pregnancy. Preferably choose a second support person, other than your partner, such as a close friend who has had children herself. She will be a support for you and for your partner.
"One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones of stumbling blocks."